Rebellion

I once was a magical child,

With the spark of the sun in my eyes.

Stars fell from my feet as I traveled

And the darkness had nothing to hide.

 

I walked all alone without terror

And danced by the light of the moon.

The shadows were friendly companions,

Who sang me the loveliest tunes.

 

But the magic of girls has a power

That incites a furious rage

And as I turned into a woman

My magic was slowly encaged

 

First they strangle our spirits

And tell us our lives are less-than

They hold up our girlhood as sickly

And demand we submit to a man.

 

They control our bodies with standards

And laws that limit our choice

They coerce and degrade us with violence

To effectively silence our voice

 

Because of the magic of girlhood

We cheerfully try to appease

Though these masters are cruel and unbending

And force us like slaves to our knees

 

Our night selves are strangled by evil

Our shadows look over our heads

And once where our footfalls were magic

Now terror explodes where we tread

 

But this isn’t the lot of a human

Which women are certainly so

And in our hearts we begin a rebellion

To assert our magical glow

 

Women are given a burden

And expected to carry the men

Though Savior is not our dominion

And each should account for his sins

 

We rise like the sun in the morning

Our strength is feral and raw

We fight for control of our bodies

And equal treatment by law

 

You won’t push us down to the basement

Our existence is vital and real

We’ll dance like nymphets in the moonlight

And joyfully express how we feel

 

You can’t take the power of women

Or keep us from speaking out loud

Our voices are real and insistent

And we won’t disappear in the crowd

Journal of a crazy cat lady: Lineage of the Clan: Lucy.

Momma Lucy, Queen of the house… Wife to Sky, mother of Katja, Tangerine, and Blackica.

This cat really helped connect me to the idea of a woman-self. I know that sounds funny, but this cat is pro-choice. We got her as a kitten, and she got pregnant before we could get her spayed. She had a litter of kittens, and when we were next going to have her spayed, our car broke down. And then she had another litter of kittens. And when we were going to have her spayed, our water heater broke. And because we live paycheck to paycheck, this was a continuing thing and she’d had several litters before we got around to it, and it completely destroyed her personality. She was sweet and lovey as a kitten; as an adult, she is aggressive and domineering. 

But I will tell you what, when we finally had the money to get her fixed, she was miserable. She would attack you if you stepped within six inches of her. She would hiss and scratch and bite if you even tried to touch her. She slunk around with her belly to the ground and her ears to her head. And guess what? By the time we took her in, she was pregnant again. They had to do a kitty-abortion. And she never regretted it.

For six months afterward, she was affectionate beyond belief. As a cat, I’m sure she didn’t quite understand what happened, but she knew that somehow *I* helped relieve her of her unwanted pregnancy. Whenever she even looked at me, she would start purring. I woke up many nights to her delightfully wet kitty nose pushing under the sheets, because wanted to cuddle be as CLOSELY as possible. 

Eventually, the love fest tapered off, but she’s much better tempered now than when she was pregnant all the time. And she’s s total matriarch. She rules the other cats (her husband and children), breaking up fights and providing affection and banishing the others when she is tired of them.

So yeah… I know it’s kind of a funny story but, I have six cats and I kind of just observe them and make documentaries about them in my head. I try to figure out their motivations and feelings. Some people get, I dunno, irritated? with me and insinuate it’s some sort of personal weakness or desire for self-destruction that causes me to love my cats so much. But, really, all it is, is that they’re family. They became part of the family, three unintentionally, but once they were here, they were here to stay. Ohana, right? Ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind.

I seriously don’t GAF if my mom’s family and random strangers don’t “get” me being a crazy cat lady. But in the same way cats don’t think if us as different from them, I don’t think of them as different from us. We are one colony. We all love each other. We all have personal (and sometimes impersonal) relationships in the world.

And I’d rather stay here in my too-small home for twenty years until they all died than ever going to a place that wouldn’t allow me to have them all.

Minefield

I want to write the sorrow and

I want to write the rage

But they die within my fingers

And leave an empty page

This madness now has lingered

Ten long and hellish years

The constant self-destruction

Has left me lame and queer

My tears could birth an ocean

If they’d ever fall

But there’s a drought within my spirit

And I never cry at all

And I think that I could fight it

If I could only see

Do I become the madness?

Or does the madness become me?

I tried a long time praying

To a God who wasn’t there

’cause once you’ve known insanity

It’s clear he doesn’t care

We are our own creation

And our own destruction, too

For sanity is fragile

And human dreams are, too

For so long I’ve been fighting

This battle in my brain

The days are full of valor

The nights are full of pain

I ache to quash the darkness

That’s burrowed in my soul

And exit from the shadows

And see my two sides whole

But this war is never-ending

The demons lie in wait

To pull me at the fringes

If I even hesitate

No cure in sight is coming

No prince to save the day

And so I must keep trudging

The rocky, mine-strewn way.

Neptune

I long to take my sorrows

And write them in the sky

To hang there in remembrance

Of salty sea blue eyes

 

My trespasses are weighing,

My madness on display

Another victim falling

To my storm of disarray

 

My heart is beating shallow,

Battered and abused

All of my own doing,

The bleeding and the bruise

 

Yet surely burns the fire

That flickered on the edge

The slowly dying ember

That pushed me to the ledge

 

My soul’s a raging tempest,

My ship’s been hurled and tossed

Yet it cuts the waves with wisdom

When it seems that all is lost

 

So patient in my cabin

Will I navigate my course

And stay the path of passion

And steer with no remorse.