Yellow Wallpaper

I long for yellow wallpaper,

Crinkled, turning in at the edges with

Aged lines & scars that matrix

Into the faces of the dead

To judge & comfort me.

.

Lock me in those cement walls

Please give me respite

The madness is complete and

All consuming.

.

Each day I rise

Tie my hair back and

Fight.

.

Fight against a world

That wants me silent

A world

That wants me defeated

My spirit broken

My fire contained.

.
And my bed made

In a sea

Of yellow wallpaper.

.
I think perhaps

I shall make my bed

In a pit of flames

.
Instead.

Stardust

(from the archives)

Stardust

when there was -black-
And not even black

Just a non-existent

Existential crisis,

I knew you were there.

And when Something

Sprang out of

Nothing,

I followed you,

as far as the waves

Rippled out.

From galaxy to

galaxy,

I was an atom

in every star

where you dwelled.

Where you sped, I sped.

Where you stopped, I stopped.

And somehow, across

Billions of solar systems and

Billions of years,

your molecules settled

Lazily here,

In a place cursed with

Humanity

what chemical composition causes chaos?

what nuclear function fuels failure?

And so the world

Stretches before us,

An experiment in

Particle physics;

You, with your classic skepticism

And I, with new age mysticism,

Two factions warring

To determine the meaning

of stardust.

Soap

What do you do

When your heart’s cracked in two

And you’ve slipped to the end of your rope?

But with each passing day

The skies are more grey

And you’re slowly giving up hope?

You’re stuck in the dark

With a devilish mark

Helplessly trying to cope.

Your reflection is strange

And slightly deranged

Like a crack in the lens of a scope

Don’t worry my dear,

There’s no cause to fear

In spite of the pain of the trope

We’ll take out your brain

And wash it in rain

With love as the lye in our soap.

Just One More

you are strong, you are safe, you are okay

and other lies I tell myself as I lay

huddled into an ever-shrinking ball

That is somehow still as taut as a high wire
each day these shadows

creep noiselessly into my brain

uninvited, unwanted and yet

So comfortably at home

in the corridors of my sprawling brain 
the darkness has resided 

in my soul for a billion years

since I was just stardust,

since the first time that

A heart was broken.
the human heart is only built

for so much pain and

everyday I teeter on that 

perilous cliff
just one more day

just one more chance

just one more failure and

one step closer

to eternity.

Battery

(from the archive)

if you were an element,
you would be lithium,
existing since the
beginning of the universe
yet curiously sparse-
radioactive yet stabilizing,
beautiful before reaction yet
tarnished thereafter.

if you were an isotope,
you would be balanced.
pure form incarnate,
steady and light.
stabilized core used for
fiery results and gentle calm.

if i was an element,
i’d be iridium,
rainbow of the gods,
bowing under my own density.
silvery white and smooth,
beautiful and brittle,
full of potential but
difficult to work.

if i was an isotope,
i would be heavy,
weighted world bursting
through my inner walls,
nuclear content pregnant
with sheer existence.

only you with your
light reactivity
can channel my
heaviness
into something lovely.

i am your noble metal,
proud and breakable,
rare and ready
to be used.

and you,
you are my mood regulator
my battery base,
my alkaline hero.

Hello

hello depression, my old friend

I regret you’ve come to call again

my nights are long and mornings dark

on this bleak stretch of my story arc

 

booze & drugs compound the pain

preying on my troubled brain

and yet without, it’s all just sleep

while fevered visions dreaming keeps

 

each morning as the moon descends

the madness in my mind begins

and as the sunlight filters in

the darkness claims my soul again

 

I hate this state of disarray

This chaos caused by my decay

The struggle just to raise my head

And fight against this constant dread

 

The mirror holds my weary face

A reflection of a crumbling place

A soul once lit with wild fire

Which struggles now to not expire

 

The whispers in my battered ears

Condemn me for those wicked years

When I was mad and could not see

My ego was atrocity

 

I’ve suffered so for each misstep

A razor scar for each regret

Care denied & love withheld

A basic sense of worth expelled

 

And yet each time you come around

My daily struggles to compound

You tire out before I break

My patient faith too strong to shake

 

So though you’ve laid destructive plans

I won’t submit to your demands

I’ll cup the flame within my hands

And fuel the fire that I am.

 

 

Even

I’m fire and ice

I’m naughty and nice

Whatever the subject,

I’ve done it twice

Life, love, and lust

There’s never enough

I can’t get my fill

Of the sticky sweet stuff

Pleasure and pain

They’re really the same

And, when properly dosed,

Make us dangerous game

And always I wonder

With each roll of thunder

If it’s mania or depression

Whose spell I’ll be under

‘Cause for as long as I’ve known

Down deep in my bones

I’ve understood darkness

And being alone

Is this why I’m wild?

Haphazardly styled?

A curious book

Improperly filed?

For balance I strive

Each day of my life

But the toll of the battle

Leaves me empty inside

For in madness I’m blest

And royally dressed

To hold court for passions

And painful regrets

The tilt of my scale

Is a precarious tale

And the state of my spirit

Is resilient yet frail

I must slay this demon

For spiritual reasons

So my heart and my head

Can finally be even.