Toilet Seat Compromise.

To: Men 
Re: Toilet seats

It has recently come to my attention that men are mounting a counter-campaign to women’s request that men put the toilet seat down. I can understand your frustration, as it’s just as simple to put it down for either gender. However, it seems there may be a few things that escaped your attention:

Considering that women spare you the hassle of having to scrub your skidmarks out of the toilet once (or more) a week, and that she also ensures your mother will approve of your bathroom state when she comes to visit, you would think putting the seat down would just be a common sense token of gratitude. However, this is apparently problematic to men, so we’re willing to make a compromise.

You see, putting the seat down is more than just courtesy to women. We know you aren’t necessarily familiar with our mysterious female bits, so here’s a secret: we can get infections from ANYTHING. Wearing the wrong panties, eating the wrong foods, wiping the wrong direction, and yes, even from falling into the toilet and getting nasty toilet water forced up our bits. Infections in women = bad time for men. You’ll not only have the benefit of a bitchy mate, because that shit hurts, but you most definitely won’t be getting sex for the duration and maybe even a while after because she’s mad at you.

So here’s the deal: go ahead and leave the seat up. The only thing you have to do is scrub, rinse, and disinfect the toilet EVERY SINGLE TIME you use it. Then, if we accidentally fall in, we’re less inclined to suffer nasty side effects and everyone is happy. Sounds fair, right?

Then again, it’s probably easier to just put the seat down.

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