letter to a lost love.

Dearest Amber-chan;

Oh, how I miss you. My mind goes black for weeks on end and then, without warning, the shadows fall and there is a glimmer of you. Something always to reassure me that you are there, beckoning with your northern lights… Deep in the hollows of my heart rests a hunger for you, a desire that’s been carefully weaned yet lingers. Whenever I move or speak or think, you are there, in the back corners of my brain. You will always walk with me. You will always be my friend.

It’s difficult for me, with my manic impulsivity and hearty sense of shame, to try and come round and express to you my emotions. I feel so guilty that I’m always letting you go… It feels like my mint car-turned-disintegration. It’s never intentional, it’s just a habit of laziness… that and the intense self-loathing I feel. I’ve wondered so often how I could ever present myself to you nowadays when I have mutated so much. I know your life has hardly manifested the way you dreamed, either. Still, there’s so much to be said and such a vast land divide between us.

“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right, I hope you had the time of your life…”

Can that be true for us? Has it been the time of our lives? When did those hopeful young girls turn into such damaged women? Life goes on and always must. But we each carry our own battle wounds, the physical and emotional evidence of our suffering. I’ve missed you so many years while I’ve added countless scars. I remember a time when you helped me escape my need to suffer, and I, yours. I remember a time when late night poetry writing was a sacred act of forgiveness, and worship, and love. I can remember discussing philosophical theory as though we had a clue what we were talking about. I can remember the perfect peace of falling asleep wrapped in your arms… until you started dreaming and started the punching/kicking, of course. I have always admired your strength. You have given me hope at times when everything seemed lost.

You told me that this is no longer home and I can hardly argue with that. You’ve built your home elsewhere. You’ve created an identity there. Still I wish you were here again, to share in my thoughts, and hopes, and dreams. I miss you more with each passing day, and yet I’ve grown used to your absence. I wonder where you are, and what you are doing, and how you are feeling. Still, you are an illusion to me. I wonder if I know you anymore. We’ve grown universes apart. Still, I know somehow that we will always fit. Always belong…

Let me declare my failings publicly, and tell you how deeply sorry that I am for disappearing so long and so often. Let me express my gratitude to the world that I should have such a beautiful, wonderful, compassionate friend. And let me word my intention that I will always love you, and that I will always miss you, and that I will always crave your companionship. Let me renew my resolve that our communications must be often, and deep, and that we should give ourselves to the passions and secrets of our former youth. Think of me often, as I think of you, and expect my comfort as well can be given across 900 miles of land and 7 long years of isolation.

Love, your fondest friend,


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